VOICES with Amber B Skylar

[EP:6] Baggage - Amber B Skylar

April 09, 2021 Amber B Skylar Season 1 Episode 6
VOICES with Amber B Skylar
[EP:6] Baggage - Amber B Skylar
Chapters
VOICES with Amber B Skylar
[EP:6] Baggage - Amber B Skylar
Apr 09, 2021 Season 1 Episode 6
Amber B Skylar

Another victim "shaming" tool.  We refer to a person's life as baggage.  I prefer Gucci myself, (although) not affordable.  But what I carry in my "baggage" is gold.  Don't let someone refer to your life's experience as trash or baggage.  

Show Notes Transcript

Another victim "shaming" tool.  We refer to a person's life as baggage.  I prefer Gucci myself, (although) not affordable.  But what I carry in my "baggage" is gold.  Don't let someone refer to your life's experience as trash or baggage.  

Speaker 1:

Hello and welcome this podcast will contain explicit material, which may be triggering and activating for some. Please proceed with caution. Thank you. Hey Sam , Berbee Schuyler and welcome to episode five here called baggage. Okay. About probably 10, 12 years ago or something. I don't know when it was, I was like getting into the online dating thing and more than once I've seen this on a, on a dating site website, something like that , you know, looking for someone to cook and, you know, hike and go to dinner and watch movies. And, but don't bring any baggage with you. I'm not kidding. The first time I ever, I ever heard that I actually felt hurt because you know, I'm aware that when you hear someone say, Oh, that person has a lot of baggage. You know, this is like a meme is like a , uh , a thought virus. We've all sort of diff mind in our mind. It's been defined for us. I should say, through the collective that if you got issues, you got back and it's just not attractive. Def you know, I've been through a lot of things in my life and I'm one of the only people I know that's pretty dedicated to therapy and personal growth and transformation and hell bent on it for whatever reason. I don't know. I even remember when I was probably in middle school, my mom, you know, she tried to take us to a therapy. A social worker had recommended that we get therapy. It's interesting because kids, they have a lot of stuff going on and they really don't tell their parents. We're just kind of happy. Oh, you got an, a, okay, you got your homework done . Hey, let's go to soccer. Hey, great game. Oh, you're going to spend the night at your friend's house. That's great. And how you doing? I'm doing fine, mom. We don't really know what's going on in the head of our kids. And when you're little, you start, if you will putting stuff in your suitcases, because there really aren't very many places to go with. All of the confusing information, things that other kids, for example, at school are bringing into school from what they've learned in their home environment. Um, and then you, you put a bunch of kids together and they're all coming from these different places with different personalities. And you, you begin to change. You're not that bright, happy, little energetic being that you once were, you began to clip off parts of yourself or I really, you stuff it, and you start putting it in your baggage. What's really stunning to me about this casual use of a term to describe a person's history is it's shocking to me. I think it's socially irresponsible. I think for any intelligent person, hopefully, you know, not intelligent, but that one would be extra careful when using the term baggage. You know, I was talking to somebody the other day. Um, they were talking to me about being on their podcast and they said, you know, Hey, I really like you. You're a strong woman and you really, you seem like you've gotten over everything. And I was just listening and I really don't want my show to be a woe is me baggage. That's just, wow . That was me is a , is an outfit that a victim uses. And they carry that in their suitcase with them and their baggage. And by the way, this is a shout out to Gucci. Now there was a time when I used to be able to afford Gucci, but not anymore. My bags are from Gucci. I don't really like the Louis Vuitton very much, but I see a lot of that going on. So I got some really nice bags and Hey , Gucci, if anybody out there is listening, you can donate to me. I'll take it. I really love the quality because it's strong enough and made well enough to hold whatever I want to put inside for me, what I put in a suitcase or what I put in my luggage, which is then referred to as baggage is gold. All of it. So first podcast, Hey, why are victims pointing himself ? Then we've got some self-worth issues. That's one reason, you know, poor white trash. And then we've got, Oh my gosh, everybody out there happy, happy. And you're just like excluded from the happy club. And then you've got all these messages in your head. What yo, if I speak up, I'm a and this is all the stuff that's in my suitcase. And there's a hell of a lot more of it coming on my podcast. But I'm going to tell you if I got to travel in my mind from one space to another, or going to stand here and speak to your, go out and speak in public or do something, I'm going to bring all the baggage with me therapist. Um, a long time ago once said to me, she said, Amber, I want you to imagine yourself sitting at a table. And it's like a board meeting and you've got all of these parts of yourself, just sitting there. And they're all raising their hand, fighting for attention. And she said, most of the time, you're going to go with a bright and shiny and happy ones. Hey, this is the part of you. I want you to pay attention to. Or, but then the wounded parts are sort of got like a small and they're sorta just sitting back and, and we don't, we don't, we don't want to look at those parts because

Speaker 2:

They hurt. It hurts this pocket .

Speaker 1:

They asked us about me, like I'm opening up, you know, storage bins in my mind and suitcases of stuff that I've been carrying all of my life. And I am using these things to look at them and except parts of myself, parts of my history and not shove it under the bed or try to bury it up in the closet and

Speaker 2:

Just hide

Speaker 1:

Everything away. Because that's what we've been

Speaker 2:

Todd , you know,

Speaker 1:

There's a , this website that I saw out there, it's an author and she's a psychologist. And , and she made this suggestion that, you know, and she wrote this whole article on emotional baggage, six signs, you have emotional baggage. I got to stop right there.

Speaker 2:

Whenever

Speaker 1:

I hear five steps to clearing your chakras six emotions. There are 12 emotions over here and they're six are here, you know, 15 ways to get rich. Just when I hear that stuff, I walk away me because a bunch of it's nonsense. Just walk away. There are no steps. There are no five steps to fixing anything. This is a complicated matrix, trying to understand the human

Speaker 2:

Psyche complicated, but

Speaker 1:

Here was this here's the site. And she, she had her steps on how you're gonna , you know,

Speaker 2:

Get rid of your baggage. I

Speaker 1:

Am insulted by that,

Speaker 2:

But let me just move

Speaker 1:

One a little bit here and tell you about a little bit about what she suggested. She suggested that in order for, you know, remember this is a website with a quick fix, and there's a book out there with all the steps on how to do it. Just, just keep that in mind. But what she's suggesting is that you sit down and write down all of your bad stuff.

Speaker 2:

Like I was right.

Speaker 1:

It was in the military. That's like my bad stuff. Wait a minute.

Speaker 2:

It wasn't just me in that picture. And it wasn't just

Speaker 1:

Me denying it . It wasn't just me trying to hide it. A lot of people involved in that. So I'm not certain,

Speaker 2:

It's my baggage.

Speaker 1:

Number one, again, it's a , in my judgment, it's a victim shaming.

Speaker 2:

You're back. Well,

Speaker 1:

Bless this lady's heart. She suggests that you write down all your baggage. And I did. It's called the colors of Amber. It's a book. And, and then she suggests that you carry it around with you in your purse. And that at the end of the 30 days, you take it out and you do like a ritual. You throw it into the trash. Maybe you burn it. Maybe you, you, you, some symbolic gesture that says, huh , I've let this go.

Speaker 2:

I'm

Speaker 1:

Going to say it again. Bless this lady's heart. And everybody who's out there trying to give us these , um, you know, psychological tools, these quick fix tools, these always to do it. And I , and I really straight up, because I know that people are trying to really put some positive messages out there,

Speaker 2:

But the kind

Speaker 1:

Of positive messages that I like to hear it is that your life is not baggage. It's not trash. When I hear baggage more than thinking of luggage, I'm thinking of a trash bag. I got to shove all this dirty stuff in there. It's trash. It's ugly. And again, I'm coming from to you from a perspective of a victim. It is shaming to me. When you refer to my life as baggage, I actually had a therapist once to walked in and listen, let me, let me, let me pause again. You guys know I'm all about the pause. It is not easy to go to therapy. You walk in, you've got 50 minutes, 50, and there , you got to wash that clock because you might be in mid-thought and it might be pretty traumatic. And if the therapist doesn't cue you like eight minutes ahead of time, it's like, Oh , our time's up waived ,

Speaker 2:

Go

Speaker 1:

Tears in your eyes. And your palms are sweating and you're in the middle of this. So I learned in therapy that, especially with a new therapist, you just kind of come on in and you start to lay some stuff out. And this one therapist, many, many years ago, I was like bullet pointing. Hmm huh . And she goes, man, you you've had a life. You don't say that to people. I'm one of those kinds of people who does not look at my life as being a life. Yeah. It was hard. It was, it it's not as hard anymore because I put in the work to transcend and transform into kind of get to this moment. But there are a lot of good people out there that can't afford to get into therapy. A they don't have the money B they don't have the time. See , they can't do it because maybe they got a security clearance. They can't get help. And , and yes, let's talk about trying to get help for your baggage. If you, I had a , a friend of mine who was talking to just a couple days ago, it was a guy. And he told me that , uh, he'd been talking to a friend of his and he told his friend that yeah, he was getting some therapy. And he was just taking a look at a couple of things in his and his friend said, and , and response. He said, wow, I didn't think you were that weak. Now that's guy to guy. Many years ago, I had the small business. I was working for couples and there was this, this couple, a doctor , uh, and his wife. And he was a partner in his firm and , uh , a partner. But I remember like they were having, you know , trouble in the marriage and he was getting therapy. They both were, they were getting couples therapy and he was getting individual therapy. And I help them with accounting and bill paying and all sorts of interesting things. I used to have a small business as an organizer and problem solver. And I remember he had insurance, but he wanted to make sure that I did not build the insurance because they could not know he was a partner, a partner. They could , his partners could not know. Or the medical billing, the , you know, the medical, I don't know what department that would be that oversees the doctors that could know that he was getting therapy. He had to pay for it out of pocket. Couldn't bill , his insurance that was over 20 years ago. But not that long ago, I was talking to someone who has a top secret security clearance. They're a friend of mine. And when you have clearance and like you're in the military, you work for the government, you can't have beginning mental health care . It means you're unstable, but it's just like a man crying. If a man's crying, he's got a problem. If a man's crying, he's not fit for office. He's not fit to lead. He's not fit to be in charge. We create the baggage by shaming people for having difficult emotions. I'm also troubled when I hear someone say, Oh, let's just get rid of the negative emotions. And everyone that, you know, that has negatives, just get rid of them, just get rid of, it's just like trash, a bag of trash bag . Get rid of them. Boom. We have the negative and the positive emotions upset or not then between. So every person that is out there not fitting in with the happiness thing. Hey, how are you? Oh, ungreat had coffee today. Went to the gym. Life's great. And yeah , I have those days, I have great days. So if you ask me on that gum, I was like, yeah, but he asked me on another day, I'm like, Oh, hell no, not today. COVID-19 brought out, you know, that, that, that structure, I kind of boxed everybody in. And I know that people had to get in touch with their depression, but I'm going to tell you without support, without help, without research, without reading books like social intelligence or like my book or other books, I N and I will be talking about all the resources I've ever used so that I can kind of get through stuff and cope with, you know, Hey, I'm on a dating site and someone's calling my life baggage. And I'm starting to feel a kinds of shame about it when you're trying to face these complex emotions. How about that complex emotions That we don't call them negative? Listen, I have really good boundaries. I really do. And because of the amount of experiences that I've had in my life, I know my limit. I can only take so much on from other people who might be negative or bad, but here's the thing I try super, super hard to do like a family member, for example. And you know that they're gonna die being a victim and constantly complaining and gossiping and , and trying to pull other people down, I , or a friend, or maybe even a new person that you encounter. This is the vibe that I have created for myself. There's only so much of that, their complexity, whatever they're going through that I can handle, because I only have so much capacity input output, but, but I know people in my life like that. And my suggestion to them is support groups, get a therapist. You know, if they're religious, do you have someone that you can talk to in your church, produce your art, your craft,

Speaker 2:

Stay

Speaker 1:

In touch with what you're feeling, because when you don't, it comes out sideways . It does comes out rage and anger and all kinds of, you know, stuff that makes it really difficult to be yourself and then to have others be with you. So I do set good boundaries, but what I try to do, and what I really hope to do in this podcast is I don't want to be judging of people because they're not going to go to therapy because maybe it just scares them really badly. Maybe they just don't think that they can, that have the capacity to feel that deeply because it's hard. It's hard work. It's just like if you're healing from a surgery, let's say you get a hip replacement. You got, it's hard. You got to learn to move again. You got to walk, you've got to want it. You got to work for it.

Speaker 2:

And it's not easy package. Let's not take anybody's life and make what seems to be negative, but

Speaker 1:

Complex situations in their life that have led them to this moment.

Speaker 2:

Let's actually

Speaker 1:

Celebrate the people who know that they've got baggage. If you will,

Speaker 2:

They own it. Yeah. I've got 20 bags.

Speaker 1:

I got all kinds of cool parts of myself in there. Meaning, you know, these, this evolution from who you were born and who you are to this moment, the, the complexity of who you've become. It's not just on you, you weren't born this way, the environment around you through the five senses and maybe even a sixth sense if you believe in that takes all of the stuff in. And there's some evidence to suggest that even our memories are in our DNA. We're born with things that we've passed on behavioral qualities,

Speaker 2:

Baggage, Hey ,

Speaker 1:

I'm not carrying anything but Louis Vuitton or Gucci or whatever it is, that's my baggage . My stuff is wrapped up. Well, you can see the cover of my book.

Speaker 2:

It's beautiful

Speaker 1:

To wrap up here on this particular podcast on just a couple of key points here,

Speaker 2:

Whatever

Speaker 1:

You're going through, it is complex.

Speaker 2:

You're not going to fix it.

Speaker 1:

Reclaim parts yourself. You can trim parts of yourself, earn rescript. What you believe about who you are like, this is 10, 12 years later. From the first time I heard someone baggage and I remember I was really depressed, like really depressed. I thought, my gosh, nobody's ever going to really want to be around all of me, even though I'm getting help and support and owning that I have challenges

Speaker 2:

Because

Speaker 1:

It's viewed as drama or baggage

Speaker 2:

Trash.

Speaker 1:

But when you reach out for help and you start to see that there's two things that happened for when I realized that I'm not the only one who's gone through this, but then I had a different layer of awareness and depression

Speaker 2:

When I thought, wow,

Speaker 1:

Some , many of the things that I've been through, many people have also been through them. And when you're bright and you're just asking the , this , the bright question, why, and there really is no answer. It can take your breath away. It can be disempowering,

Speaker 2:

But I want to encourage you

Speaker 1:

To look for some self-help books. I, I'm not about the five steps, anything I promise you if it says that I would just toss it out, I would really get involved in some sort of support group somewhere just to, just to get the ball rolling, or just to continue growing and evolving and taking a look at,

Speaker 2:

You

Speaker 1:

Know, what is going on inside of you? What is your self, you , your, your worldview? What, what are you looking at inside yourself and calling it baggage or feeling bad about yourself? There are many, many things that you can do out there to kind of look at your own complexity, complexity, and knowledge and education. I learned this model from my, one of my therapists, the wise mind thinking and feeling when you combine both of those, it's called the wise mind, because sometimes when you're feeling really emotional, you'll make an impulsive decision. Maybe it's shopping or, or drinking way too much, or, or driving crazy down the road or screaming and yelling at someone. You put yourself at risk for all sorts of things. Thinking it through my life has not baggage. My life has been complex. Like most people on the planet, It is difficult and challenging and confusing and there to grow, to evolve and change,

Speaker 2:

But it is possible

Speaker 1:

To transform parts of myself and to step into my potential, no matter what I've been through,

Speaker 2:

Really

Speaker 1:

Want to encourage you to look at that. And the final point is the woe is me thing

Speaker 2:

That is a straight up judgment.

Speaker 1:

When we look at people, Oh, they're just a woe is me.

Speaker 2:

You

Speaker 1:

May know somebody who is a victim and they are a woe is me. And I am telling you I've been in therapy for 30 years. And it has taken a lot of work for me to not feel like a victim. And I did it against all the cultural messages about therapy. And I started a long time ago, even if therapy's becoming more acceptable. When I was going through, she's weird, she's in therapy. She has a problem. She has a mental health illness. She has mental health problems. That's so that's hilarious. You guys come on now. They need to change mental health illness. The title, perhaps, especially for PTSD,

Speaker 2:

Just make a mental health concern,

Speaker 1:

Mental health, something, I don't know, let's come up with a name for it, but that woes me thing. Hey, there are people that you love in your life that are going to die. That way. They're going to live the rest of their life and die. And woe is me. You can't do anything about it. Step back, hold your boundaries, know your limits and move on and move forward into your own life. And I got a lot of compassion for people who don't really want to go in and look at all this gooey and painful stuff, because it is

Speaker 2:

Challenging, but it is possible.

Speaker 1:

Shout out to anybody who's having a woe is me day. And I want you to think about what kind of baggage and change the term You are carrying your life within you. And even if it's been dark and difficult, there is some beauty to be plucked out of that and to perhaps be used to move forward in your life.

Speaker 2:

So, yeah,

Speaker 1:

I really wanted to have a woe is me day today because I had so many technical challenges and my voice is a little off and the time has changed and I just can't sleep well when the time changes, even with some help for sleep can't do. And so I really started to feel the woe is me and there are days when I'm like, ah, I'm going to have a woe is me for not one but two days. And I'm okay with that.

Speaker 2:

And then I'm going to get up and fight.

Speaker 1:

Then when I get up and live, I'm going to get out and push back.

Speaker 2:

So, Hey, this is Amber B Skylar

Speaker 1:

Walk away from the five steps to get rid of your baggage and get on into your self and start counting how much luggage, how much baggage luggage that you do have. You can prune it when you're ready. One bag at a time. You don't have to do it all at once. And it takes a long time. It doesn't happen overnight and you can keep everything you want. You don't have to let go of any of it. It's up to you. Peace out, send you some love and some light,

Speaker 2:

Some courage. Yes, courage

Speaker 1:

To stand up and make one change. One step. I want to thank you for listening today and invite you to listen to my next podcast, hormones or PTSD, which is it . I have got a lot of stories to tell, being a woman and being blamed for my hormones. So come on out and Hey, by the way, this is me inviting you to go to my website, Amber B skylar.com , fill out a contact form there. If you'd like to share your story, I'd like to weave in pieces of your story throughout this podcast. This podcast hopes to inspire, have some straight talk, you know, some imperfect unscripted conversation about real life things in the hopes that maybe I can inspire and uplift somebody out there. Who's feeling overwhelmed and overburdened with what they're carrying on the inside. So thank you once again for listening, this podcast is produced and distributed in partnership with Dan Bennett and one minute media located in Flint, Michigan, more marketing solutions and Chantilly, Virginia, and Amber B Schuyler productions located in Helena, Montana. Thank you so much for listening to the show. I like a shout out to you to share your stories with me, Amber B skylar.com . Please let me know if you'd like to be anonymous or perhaps use your first name. I'm also interested in your comments and feedback. Thank you so much for listening. And I do hope that you join me for my next episode.