VOICES with Amber B Skylar

[EP:4] Am I a Bitch Because I'm Angry? (Pt. 1) - Amber B Skylar

April 02, 2021 Amber B Skylar Season 1 Episode 4
VOICES with Amber B Skylar
[EP:4] Am I a Bitch Because I'm Angry? (Pt. 1) - Amber B Skylar
Chapters
0:00
EP:5 Am I a Bitch Because I'm Angry? (Pt 2)
0:00
EP:6 "Baggage"
0:00
EP:7 PTSD Victims View
VOICES with Amber B Skylar
[EP:4] Am I a Bitch Because I'm Angry? (Pt. 1) - Amber B Skylar
Apr 02, 2021 Season 1 Episode 4
Amber B Skylar

Im ok with being called a bitch.  Today, its not an insult. Women are embracing the "bitch energy". I know my point has come across when somebody calls me a bitch.  In this episode I talk about my anger, and men's anger from my life, and I read from my book, Colors of Amber, A Memoir.  We shame men for crying, we cheer them on for anger, stoicism, being "manly" and there really is no where to go with anger.  It's seems very difficult for men to handle a woman's anger.  If she's strong, we call her a "bitch".   Listen and send me your comments, stories.

#amberbskylar #voiceofamber #womensvoices #women #colorsofamber
amberbskylar.com 

Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

Im ok with being called a bitch.  Today, its not an insult. Women are embracing the "bitch energy". I know my point has come across when somebody calls me a bitch.  In this episode I talk about my anger, and men's anger from my life, and I read from my book, Colors of Amber, A Memoir.  We shame men for crying, we cheer them on for anger, stoicism, being "manly" and there really is no where to go with anger.  It's seems very difficult for men to handle a woman's anger.  If she's strong, we call her a "bitch".   Listen and send me your comments, stories.

#amberbskylar #voiceofamber #womensvoices #women #colorsofamber
amberbskylar.com 

Speaker 1:

Hello and welcome this podcast will contain explicit material, which may be triggering and activating for some. Please proceed with caution. Thank you. Hey, welcome to the show. Um, I am Amber B Skyler , uh , your host of voices and stories of women. What do you think about that title in my a ? Because I'm angry. You know, this is a , of , this is an emotional podcast for me. Um, all of it is , um, but this one in particular, I really, you know, I'm glad I've been in therapy for so long because I can feel some of the things I'm going to share with you, but not so deeply that it drowns me anymore. And that that's what therapy is and , and , and growth and getting support and reaching out and staying connected. And , uh , share that with you because it is my job. It is my task. I have taken it on to reinforce that message throughout all of my podcasts to , to, to get help, to reach out, to ask for support, you know , um, this is March, 2021 and , uh, uh, recording this, you know, ahead of time. And I want to tell you that just a couple months ago, I was like stir crazy with COVID and, you know, I , I just thought, you know, I told my doctor, I said, listen, I'm a veteran. And I go to the VA and everything. And I said, listen, I just got to get out. I got to teach somewhere. And so I went for an interview , um, with a gym here, that's affiliated with the hospital and I thought, okay, so they're going to be pretty COVID conscious and respectful and all that stuff. And I , uh, uh, did the initial interview, real bubbly, a group fitness director, and then I had to meet her and the general manager. And I went in for the interview. I had given like 20 references, you know, I've been in the yoga industry for a long time and I just, I love teaching. And I thought, you know, I just want to get involved in my community and get a little free gym membership. And I liked this facility because they have physical therapy. I really liked a lot about it. I'd done my research and I checked out other places. Well , uh, during the interview , um, the first off putting question was, Oh, sorry , what are we just a last resort? You went to all these places. Now this is the general manager. And I thought, you know, I'm just going to let her have a little. And I said, absolutely not. And the reasons that I just described to you, it's a hospital. That's why I wanted to teach there . And I just told her, I just answered a question directly, strong woman to strong woman, and then, you know, the interview and on for quite some time, very enthusiastic. I am extremely professional and well-prepared for every class and excellent references. And I, I was really inspired. I really wanted to get out. And at the end of the interview, she says to me, she says, you know, we're a real tight family here. And I just got to ask this question. And I said, okay. And she said, you know, you called and to find out about memberships. And , um, and I said, yeah, I did. Um , I was told that, you know, you guys have military discounts, et cetera, things like that. And I, I just wanted to kind of see what you had. Did you have any family packages, et cetera? And she said, yeah, well, the guy who took the call came to me and said that you , um, had spoken to him and had mentioned that you were interviewing for a job. And that he felt that I was too direct too , just a little too edgy or pushy or something now immediately kind of like a soft rain storm. That's brewing. I began to feel the drizzle inside of what? So I said to her, I said, yes, I wasn't sure you're going to hire me. I wasn't sure I was going to work here, but I wanted to see what you had to offer because me and my family, we are, you know, trying to find a place to go , uh , once COVID she said, well, you know, he's from New York, he's an ex-cop . And I said, Oh, so he's not used to someone being direct. And I said, because when it comes to money in business, I'm very direct. It's an exchange. I'm going to pay you for a service. I want to know what you have to offer and can you actually deliver? And she said, yeah, I'm a strong woman too. I totally get it. I said, so he's just not used to strong women. Right. And she said, yeah, it's probably not. She said, but listen, thanks for the interview, yada yada. And you know, we laughed now , after that, with me here, I am thinking about getting on board and I am one hell of an excellent team player and, and so good for your business. Well, I declined that job and I told her as a general manager, you might have wanted to use a filter that, that just wasn't appropriate. And especially as a strong woman, it's 2021. And I had that experience. I am definitely not going to go into a company where right off the bat, somebody is already complaining about me for being direct. And to the point I didn't cuss. We actually ended on that conversation with when I was speaking to this membership person with, Hey , yogurt , the job, don't worry about it . It was upbeat. It's

Speaker 2:

20, 21.

Speaker 1:

Obviously I didn't take that job cause I'm just going to go fight that battle. I'm going to bring it right here to the podcast and talk about it in a more powerful way. I want to share with you , uh , some experiences I had in the military, in my book , uh, red warrior of the heart. Um, you know, when I went into the military , uh, it was under some interesting circumstances, but the big thing is, is they were going to pay off my college loans. And I , uh, I got into the military and , uh, I remember in basic training , uh, I was, I had had college. So I was the, what they call the platoon guide. Or I was a, either that, or I'd be a , I can't remember the term, but I was like a leader in one of the roles , uh, rows of like, we'd always line up in these rows, you know, four rows and maybe 10 people in there, women. And I remember , um, being the platoon guide and, you know, you gotta get your troops move and you got to motivate them to do the 10 mile run. You gotta motivate them to get out of bed and just get up and go and just do. Cause it's, it's , uh , it's incredible. This was back in the eighties and then back in the nineties. And I just didn't know that I wasn't welcome. And I didn't know that these protectors and defenders, this theme I had been brought up with that men were protectors and defenders. I just sort of saw, you know, the drills as my father, my brother, my cousin, my family protectors and defenders. They're there to teach me and I'm , I'm gonna , I'm here and I'm ready. And I'm really eager. And I absolutely loved the military. Believe it or not. But in my , uh, training, the , uh, Joel sergeants, they would do all sorts of crazy things. Number one, they were sleeping with most of the women there. And I said, no, absolutely not. Women would get , um, cigarettes in exchange for a little hanging out, having dinner with the drill. And on the 10 mile March, they'd get picked up in the truck. Oh, I'm just, you know, so let me just lay this out. This isn't just men. This is women too . Now I understand that's what men were taught. And that's what women were taught. I get it. But when the drill sergeants would come in, early in the morning were getting up four 30 in the morning. We had a five o'clock formation. Sometimes 4:00 AM formation. The drill sergeants would come in and walk right into the shower. You got naked women in there trying to cover themselves up, trying to run out of the shower, to find their towel women trying to brush her teeth half, half closed, because you don't have a lot of time. You get up, you get your, you get that gear together. You get it on. You show up in formation. And this bothered me, sorry . I remember one day they made the women get up, like at quarter to four, move out, move out, get up, get dressed, get up. They hate, give me, hated me, but I made them up. I remember women running down the steps, brushing their teeth shirts on , done boots on tide, carrying their backpack, their Cavalia , you know, that's the helmet in getting all their stuff angry, just angry, giving me the seating looks, but then I would get them there before that beautiful South Carolina sun would come up. It's hot already, but there we we'd line up. And I knew they hated me. I didn't care. But I knew that that day, those drills weren't going to come in and stare at their body and make them feel uncomfortable and make them feel like they had to do something. Now I'm not angry at those women for not having that flight in them. And I have no idea how I got this fight in me, but I've had it since I was a child. But I remember that morning ticklers one drill Sergeant who really pushed me because he was trying to sleep with me. And I kept saying, no, he made my life. But I remember that morning was quiet. Some women were just actually tearful or crying, but we were standing there in a position called parade rest. I had inspected every one of those women. They were strapped their gears on boots polished. It was a quiet moment. I won't forget that it was over 30 years ago. I don't know how long it was. Long time ago, mid eighties. I'm just a young girl of 26 years old. I've already been through, you know , college and my family. But that day I was so angry. I turned that anger into something powerful on . Never forget. Standing there with that drill. Sergeant knows to no spitting. As he talked to me, asked me who the hell I thought I was. I didn't give a, I was going to pay any price. They laid on me. And I did for that moment of dignity. That right there is the power of anger. To me. There comes a time when you have got to stand up and I want to preface this podcast with, I am a non violent human being, but I think the time has come where we don't just lay down and take it. We must as women and men who love us get up and set boundaries. And there are creative ways of doing that without getting all crazy and grabbing guns and scream and yell and getting ourselves in trouble law. Yeah. And on laws, aren't always fair. And they're not always right, but laws, law, and as a powerful human being like are you got to get creative with what you're going to do and be willing to pay the price. In my last episode, you know about happiness. It talked about action and taking action and how that will help you feel a little more happiness, because I'm going to tell you, I felt ecstatic. I had a smile on my face. I could not stop while that guy was chewing me out. And he did. I went through with, through things and I wrote about him in my book. And I didn't write about all of them , but anger. I remember marching 10 miles, a little bit of a, they call it an airborne shuffle. When you just don't think you can go anymore . You just try to get through your care and your gear. It's a hundred and something degrees outside and you're cutting through massive humidity. You're the only one left in your platoon. Everybody else is in the truck. Why don't you just give up, give up hell, no, I can still remember. I feel it right now that anger, it drove me. I'm like, I will not break. I will shuffle to that line where it says 10 miles and my day was not even half way over. We encourage you to get to know yourself and to get to know your anger. Because what I have learned in therapy is that underneath of it, there is sadness and it's true. I have a deep, like a river, like some of the water that runs underneath the river or deep in the river. Sometimes the water you can't see it's there. It's beneath the surface. Why ? Why ? Because I'm a female. Why ? I couldn't understand it as a young girl, as a girl, as a teenager, as a college woman, as a mother, and now as a grown mature woman, why there's no real definitive answer for that. And we all know that change takes a law long time, but this, this is action right here. This is my anger emotion, podcasting saying some stuff gentle reminder right here. I'm encouraging you to write, to do something with what you feel joy create. I don't know what it is, but find your vibe. So we want to move into now a book reading on anger. And I want to show you the anger on the side of a male and what this man learned. This man was , uh , see here's my third husband. You'll read all about that in my book. Cause I know you're going to pick up my book and read it. And by the way, my book's going to be an audible in March or in may, May 5th, sometime in may. Um , I read to you this from chapter three, blue drowning and , uh, the man's name that I'll use here is Mitch. It's not really his name.

Speaker 3:

Was

Speaker 1:

It strength that kept me alive? Or was it weakness? Why didn't I believe in myself enough to leave this relationship? What had happened to the fighter in me? Why couldn't I at least do this for my own flesh and blood? My son ringer. Let me pause right there. Now. Ringer is not my son's name also, but this is right after the military. I had a two year old and I was, I was scared. You know, I was vulnerable. I really really had this idea. I wanted a Christian White male who was educated, who really loved family. And I don't think that was such a bad thing to ask for because a single parenting. Whoa . And I got stories on that. So anyway, I put out this quest was looking for a guy. This guy was at the company that we both worked at. He was like the star at the church that we both went to. He was Jesus Christ in the last supper. He was so well respected . He was like a deacon. And just everybody loved him. Everybody at the company that we worked at together, they loved him, but they looked at me like, well, you know, who is this? It was a scared young, vulnerable mother. I just wanted to protect my son so much. And I saw this guy as this savior, as this perfect partner. This is just great guy. Come from a great family down South. They're all Christian. You know his mom and dad were to gather them into Garrett . I don't know, 30 plus years. So I'm like, wow , this was logical to me. So I , I went on. So this passage I'm reading to you is after we were married and a side of him came out that I had never seen , uh , no one, no one, no one knew about it. So I'm going to continue on reading in the book here. It says within those same first three months of marriage, another incident occurred. Mitch had been having problems with tenants, renting his condo. He'd had a discussion with them, but fear the responsibility of being a landlord. He'd never wanted to make waves with people. So he talked nicely. Remember the nicey. Nice. He was the epitome of nicey. Nice. That's why everybody just thought he was fabulous because he didn't show his shadow. He never wanted to make waves with people. So he talked nicely and agreed to things he did not like then he would take his frustrations out on us at home. Somehow it was always our fault. We did something to set him off. My son and I ringer and I were in the living room. When I felt Mitch's mood switch. It was like a strange and invasive dark energy had crept into our home and circled me. I could see nothing, but my heart beat loudly in my blood chilled intuitively I took ringer to our bedroom and told him to hide in the closet behind my long dresses. I told him to stay there and to not make a sound. And I went back to the living room. Suddenly Mitch realized that ringer was not around, whereas ringer, he's playing in his room. I responded. Why did you take ringer to his room? Is something wrong. His voice was elevated and I could feel intense fear rising within me. As I recall that scene, I am still overcome by it. Even in this moment. I mean, I can feel it as I write my hands, tremble my heart races and words. Pour out as if I'm releasing the stale blood from my art through my fingers. I am miserable. Reliving this Mitch called out ringer. Where are you? I stated let's leave ringer to play and just tell me what's bothering you. You seem upset. I am not angry. He shot it . I , I , I didn't say you were angry. I replied in fear. I hoped ringer was hiding. I could not bear to fight in front of him. It ripped the fiber of my soul to see his tour minute face. I felt shredded and unable to protect him from the storms. Ringer couldn't even make sense of the rage. And neither could I Mitch called out again, demanding that ringer come out. I knew ringer would not move. I had shut the door to his room to make it look as though he were inside there. But by the volume of Mitch voices, there was no way ringer could afford, avoid hearing. Therefore he was disobeying Mitch . And that wasn't good for my little boy. My husband ran past me and into Ringer's room. This man who had once held me and told me he loved my son in me. How was in a blind rage? Was this man. He grabbed me and shook me yelling. What did you do with ringer? Mitch felt as if I'd hidden ringer , because he was about to do something wrong. He was sensitive to that, but he was right because I had hidden my son. I'd hidden him in the master bedroom. You know, behind all my hanging clothes in the closet, he could not find the boy. He turned to me and pushed me to the floor, banging my head harder and harder against the floor. Totally beyond his ability to realize what he was doing. I said nothing. My head was pounding from the beating and my mind was too shaken to think in fear for his mommy. Ringer began to whimper. Mitch stopped. He heard ringer. He walked over to the closet. I sat up and cried while I hyperventilated Mitch tour through the hanging clothes and spot a tiny whimpering ringer . Mitch dragged him out into the bedroom. I never will forget the fried on that. Child's face ringer , plead with me to do something, but despite being an adult mother birth giver and protector of my son, I felt powerless to act even on behalf of my child, what was wrong with me? Why didn't I fight back? Mitch told ringer not to move. His face was beet red from screaming. He stood still. We were about three feet from each other. I looked directly into my son's eyes to calm him as best I could. Mitch went to the door and lock the three of us in the bedroom. He began to yell so loudly that I thought the building would shake. I felt like a child, myself. I was petrified ringer and I felt our hearts and souls reaching out to each other. They, the pole felt like a magnet. Suddenly my three-year-old son ran to my arms and I fought to hold back the tears. I had no idea what Mitch would do. I grabbed a strong hold on ringer and wrapped him around me. I turned back to Mitch and ran for the door. Mommy, hurry, screamed, ringer high , rip the door, open with an unknown strength and ran into Ringer's room. I locked the door as quickly as I could against the push from the other side, the only things I could actually feel were fear. And the tears just rushing down my face, the door. I said, Mitch, leave us alone. Before the neighbors call the cops. I had no idea. They could hear us. I'm going to yell out the window. If you don't stop. I screamed. Why didn't I do it? Anyway? I puked. Sweat had covered my body ringer . Wasn't shock. Then things seemed quiet. I grabbed a desk chair and lodged it under the door. I heard Mitch crying outside the door. I'm so sorry. God, please forgive me. He ran into our bedroom. I heard the bathroom door slam. I knew it was over for then still standing rink . Ringer showed a sign of relief. He collapsed into my arms and clung to me. I will not allow myself to ever to forget that moment. I was responsible for protecting my son. Now I'm going to pause there. You remember why victims blame themselves? This is me blaming myself. Police could do very little to protect women from abusive husbands who were so highly respected in their respective social circles. There had to be evidence of physical abuse, bruises and marks in the body. A restraining order was the best that could be done. And it was only temporary. I carried ringer to his bed and tried to normalize things. I held him close. I never wanted to let go. He fell asleep. I heard Mitch at the door. He was now crying and begging for forgiveness. He started reciting Bible scriptures. I remained silent and pressed against the door. Now that's an example of men's anger. Now let me tell you what happened when I went to the church and I told the church about this and in particular, the women's groups. And they told me about a Bible quote, Matthew one 23. I think it is about turning the other cheek. And she gave me this small book written by a woman and told me to turn the other cheek. She said, we all know. And I was, these were older women like 70 plus telling me that they had lived through it. And that that's just the way things were. And I had to learn to love and support my husband. Cause there were reasons for his anger, stress and money and work and all kinds of things. And I needed to learn to turn the other cheek and support my husband. Take care of my son. Everybody let's take a breath, huh? Cause like right now I am feeling the sadness under the anger because I know that I'm not the only person who's , who's gone through this kind of crazy stuff in it's all just learned behavior. All of it. It is. It's just learned behavior. And you can think about that because I'll be talking more about that and another podcast, but let's, let's just wrap up for today on that. I think that's enough for the day and I'll continue this podcast episode in my a because I'm angry on my next podcast. So stay tuned , uh, part two . And I'm sure that there'll be a part three sometime. And because when we're talking about anchor, there's a lot that can be said about it. So Hey, thank you so much for listening and tune in for part two. Am I a because I'm angry again, shout out for your stories. Love to hear your stories so that I can weave them into this podcast. Really have a goal to make this audio visual when I'm interviewing , um, authors and influencers in my life. And I'm pretty particular about who those people are. So I look forward to hearing your stories, Amber, be skylar.com . Go ahead and send me a message and say , Hey, why don't you talk about this in one of your podcasts. Thank you so much for listening. This podcast is produced and distributed in partnership with Dan Bennett and one minute media located in Flint, Michigan, more marketing solutions and Chantilly, Virginia and Amber B Schuyler productions located in Helena, Montana. Thank you so much for listening to the show. I like a shout out to you to share your stories with me. Amber B skylar.com . Please let me know if you'd like to be anonymous or perhaps use your first name. I'm also interested in your comments and feedback. Thank you so much for listening. And I do hope that you join me for my next episode.

EP:5 Am I a Bitch Because I'm Angry? (Pt 2)
EP:6 "Baggage"
EP:7 PTSD Victims View