VOICES with Amber B Skylar

[EP:2] Poor White Trash - Amber B Skylar

March 26, 2021 Amber B Skylar Season 1 Episode 2
VOICES with Amber B Skylar
[EP:2] Poor White Trash - Amber B Skylar
Chapters
VOICES with Amber B Skylar
[EP:2] Poor White Trash - Amber B Skylar
Mar 26, 2021 Season 1 Episode 2
Amber B Skylar

Being poor - does have an impact on health and wellness.  Don't let anybody sugar coat that. This podcast explores messages around being brought up poor and female and how those experiences turn into patterns that build on patterns of programs that are created by the environments we are exposed to.  Through EMDR and type of therapy, I've been able to answer  the question about why I've blamed myself over the years for the things that I've been exposed to.  Powerful and experiential.  

Stay strong.  Get through the stories.  It will help you desensitize enough so that you can actually gain enough strength to face hardships - head on.  You can listen to me figure this out in this podcast - and bam! - I grow.  No secret 5 steps to "fix" anything.  It doesnt work that way.  

Share you story with me.  admin@amberbskylar.com or see my website amberbskylar.com

Amber

Show Notes Transcript

Being poor - does have an impact on health and wellness.  Don't let anybody sugar coat that. This podcast explores messages around being brought up poor and female and how those experiences turn into patterns that build on patterns of programs that are created by the environments we are exposed to.  Through EMDR and type of therapy, I've been able to answer  the question about why I've blamed myself over the years for the things that I've been exposed to.  Powerful and experiential.  

Stay strong.  Get through the stories.  It will help you desensitize enough so that you can actually gain enough strength to face hardships - head on.  You can listen to me figure this out in this podcast - and bam! - I grow.  No secret 5 steps to "fix" anything.  It doesnt work that way.  

Share you story with me.  admin@amberbskylar.com or see my website amberbskylar.com

Amber

Speaker 1:

Hello and welcome this podcast will contain explicit material, which may be triggering and activating for some. Please proceed with caution. Thank you. Hey, welcome to the show. This is your host, Amber B Schuyler with my podcast , the voices and stories of women. So in my first episode , um, we talked about why victims blamed himself, and we're going to continue that theme with episode two here called poor white trash. You know , um, I know what shame is because I feel it when something happens or someone says something or I'm triggered, and this might sound a little out there to you, but literally it feels acidic in your body to include your VJ. And I'm guessing you all know what the VJ is or, and your palms, sweat, maybe your heart races, you know, there's nightmares, there's this heavy, heavy depression. That's just hanging out inside of your body, like a dark cloud that just moves in. And sometimes it shifts and breaks apart. And then you come back to it. Shame. I heard a psychiatrist once say that shame is the shape of the soul, the silencing of the soul, Poor white trash. When I was a little girl , um, I can tell you the address of where I live from the ages of like one to five, the zip code, the phone number, everything we were living in the projects. Um, we were on welfare

Speaker 2:

And

Speaker 1:

My first, you know, real sense of awareness that I remember to this day, I was around five years or six years old

Speaker 2:

And

Speaker 1:

Work . Um, and let me take a sidebar here, by the way, when you go to the dentist and you ask them, why do I have so many cavities? Well, it was probably poor nutrition when you were a child and poor hygiene, et cetera. That's the standard answer, but I want to tell you, I come from a large family and half of my family had basically had maybe a cavity or two, that's it, the other half of us, you know, we we've had, you know, tooth problems. So I'm not so certain that that little idea that comes from the dentist, which is for me, shaming, I was poor. Therefore you have bad teeth. Um, no one's ever going to want to date you, et cetera. The stories that we create. Um, so just if you're a person out there and that's the first time I've you ever heard that? I'm not so certain that it's just poor nutrition and all of that. I think some genetics and different things are involved, but let's move on with that because it's important that I talk about that when I was a little girl , um, being poor, we got scholarships to go to , um,

Speaker 2:

A Catholic school

Speaker 1:

And all the rich kids, you know, they were shipped in there and we, we walked quite some distance. I have large family and we would go

Speaker 2:

To this school. Well,

Speaker 1:

I had , um, like an abscess tooth and it was really stinky. It was really bad. And the reason why I got so bad is because we were poor. My mother couldn't find a dentist that would treat me.

Speaker 2:

So

Speaker 1:

When she finally did find a dentist , um, lesson number one, I remember the tension between this old white guy , um, um, older , um, and my mother bless her heart. And again, I love my mother. Here's loving out to your mom. Um, he wouldn't give me enough Novocaine . It was extremely painful. I remember that to this day and , and I have, I love the human body and we'll be talking about all that in my show. And I'm in , I go to great lengths to take care of my body. Um, but I have this aversion to brushing my teeth. I have to tell Alexa, Alexa, remind me to brush my teeth. I have to put my toothpaste under my pillow. It's just, it's um , I'm literally just becoming aware of this at this point in my life. But, but the point of the matter is, is I learned right then and there that I was poor. I'm not going to , I'm going to have to suffer. I'm not going to get what a rich kid might get because they had insurance

Speaker 2:

To add salt to that wound.

Speaker 1:

None at my school, she would put me up in front of the room and she would use this quote from the Bible.

Speaker 2:

Cleanliness

Speaker 1:

Is next to godliness and she would have the kids look at me and stay away from me because my mouth had this odor. She wouldn't let me play with the other kids in the playground because I was dirty. I had to stay in clean the chalkboards. I am 58 years old. And I remember that clearly. I remember the smell of that , uh, of the church of the cafeteria of the classrooms. I remember this, this girl named Marjorie who had these puffy sleeves and the perfect little knee highs in the patent leather shoes and, and the nun ,

Speaker 2:

How unkind she was cleanliness is next to godliness,

Speaker 1:

Five years old, those two instance right there, you don't have the cognitive ability to frame it. Secondly, you're not allowed because your kid to stand up for yourself and push back , you can't holler. You can't scream, you can't. And even if you tell you're on a scholarship, so when you tell your mom, there's not much that she can do bless her heart. And she tried trust

Speaker 2:

Me on that one. So,

Speaker 1:

And beautiful thing about my childhood that I do remember, and there are many is the teachers loved me. What I didn't know then that I know now is that they knew I was poor and they would bring me pretty dresses. And they would bring me , uh , socks and shoes and doll babies and everything else. And, and I just thought they loved me. I didn't realize that they were, had taken me on because I was like super poor. I remember that as a little girl,

Speaker 2:

Then

Speaker 1:

When I got into middle school , um, here's a really interesting thing. I'm going to sing a song

Speaker 2:

For you.

Speaker 1:

If her daddy's rich, take her out for a meal. If her daddy's poor, just do what you feel. Uh , and [inaudible] uh , Oh , Oh . Now for any of your listening to this podcast, you remember that song. I was in middle school when it really hit me, what that song was saying. If her daddy's rich, take her out for a meal. If her daddy's poor, just do what you feel. And I'm going to tell you, I didn't know what that meant. You got women, you get women on your mind at that age, but I was starting to develop body scent and my period, and very, very interesting how we lay down our neural pathways inside of our body, because scent and smell are poignant. They are distinctive and laying down tracks like you're laying down a record or like I'm laying down this podcast track memories.

Speaker 2:

So when

Speaker 1:

I would have my period or as an adult woman,

Speaker 2:

That song

Speaker 1:

Would come to my mind. My brain had made some association to that, that I was poor and that anybody could do what they felt with me

Speaker 2:

To include my eighth grade Spanish teacher, Mr. Smith. I hated with a passion

Speaker 1:

And I loved school. I was a straight a student, but he would have me in the back of the room and he would put his hands on my shoulders and stroke my hair and, you know, go cross my back. I was young girl. I, I hated it. And I hated him. And so I flunked out of the class and rebellion that didn't bother him any, but that stayed with me forever. If her daddy's rich, take her out for a meal, treat her well. But if her daddy's poor, you can do anything you want. Cause she's just trash.

Speaker 2:

Well ,

Speaker 1:

I also remember , um, as I became a young woman and I was out there confused and dating, and I remember some guy made this comment about those poor girls. Who'd been mistreated when they were growing up and how good they were in bed. They would be really. They'd be willing to do anything. That's another message that I have taken on. So for some reason, all of this had to be my fault. I remember , um, after I was homeless , uh, not long after nine 11, a couple of years. Um, and again, another episode, but I , uh, you know, had gotten into therapy and my very first visit with a psychiatrist. He said the traditional, Oh, were your parents educated? Were you born portal ? Again? It was an older white guy. He was really tall and lanky. And he had his left leg crossed over his right. So this is about 20 years ago, I guess now. And he had his glasses on and his notebook and his pen and his plaid sort of shirt on. And he said to me, he said, do you have any goals or ambitions? And I said, this is the only time I had sparked up after like a year of being homeless, like really sparked up. I said, yeah, I remember I sat up in my chair and I said, I want to write a book one day. And he looked at me with his glasses kind of on the bridge of his nose, with his eyes and S and then went directed his eyes back to the paper. And he said, this that's a grandiose idea.

Speaker 2:

Now,

Speaker 1:

One of the cool things I want to share with you about me is I got a fighting spirit. I'm going to get up at some point and fight back. But when he said that to me, I literally stood up in my chair and I fired him after I said, why? Because I'm poor because I'm uneducated because I'm a female. I remember I was rageful. And I walked out of that office and fired him. Of course, you're the mentally unstable, overly emotional depressed person. And they call you and they try to medicate you and drug you and all sorts of things. It is not easy. And I understand why a lot of people are nervous about therapy and meds for depression and anxiety. Because these doctors, especially in the pharmaceutical, in my judgment, they're just, they're not paying attention. They're not measuring your blood levels routinely. How are you? Do you really need this? Or do you really need some therapy to get on in there and talk about this and cry and heal and journey journal or whatever it is that you do with your therapist to evolve and grow. I have a fierce determination to do that and to fight back. So today my therapy, I have stepped into a new type of therapy called EMDR are to try to look at why w how, how did I learn to blame myself? I mean, it's just extraordinary because you know, it's not logical, but yet it's in there. I did something wrong and you behave differently. You behave. When you go out into the world, I have post-traumatic stress disorder. And just so you good folks know I have a service dog and I do yoga and meditation and natural foods and a whole bunch of stuff. And I do not take meds. A medical marijuana does help with sleep, just so you know, as we start digging into some of these deeper topics, and you're wondering, how is she? Is she okay? I'm okay. I got it . Those , but coming back to , um, therapy, I I've recently started EMDR in EMDR. You, you actually trace back, like you heard me do from the dentist to the nun . The teachers loved me. And as I was poor, you know, that song, if her daddy's rich, take her out for me. The comment about girls, just the psychiatrist leading all the way up into adulthood. And to this point in my life, I am able to track that. And in this particular type of therapy with EMDR, they use lights and they flash them and they, they try to help you desensitize yourself to the experience so that you can rescript your life, reclaim your life, your energy of who you were when you were born. Like I am right now, God cast because I was born happy, creative, a lover of science and math and patterns and stars. I was born with a gift for writing and speaking and all of my life I've been told you can't do it. I want to say this, put this shout out here before I give you my intro to my name X podcast, 20 years ago, I couldn't pick up a microphone and start talking like this. First of all, everybody would have walked out. She's weird. She, what is she doing? I can't believe she's talking about that. But next to that, I was a female. It's just not going to happen. And next to that, you don't have connections. You don't have money. You don't have sex . You're not going to get promoted. Like if I am a famous person and I, my daughter wants to write a book. Well, you know, she's going to get published. This is what I like about 2021. This is what I love about science and technology. You don't have to have money to publish your books , self self-publish . You don't have to have money to get up and pick up your cell phone and just start talking and tell us who you are, what you want to say to

Speaker 2:

The world . We can do this now. And not only that today, nobody ,

Speaker 1:

And he's going to sugar coat my name with Bob Smith. They're going to keep it Amber B Skylar , because I am a female. I am a woman, and these are my words. These are my podcasts . This is my book. These are my stories. And this is part of my transformation. This is a part of my reclaiming of who I was born and deconstructing over the messages that are everywhere in the culture, undermining your own, thinking your own natural energy that you feel when you're inspired. So I want to tell you once again, I really would like to hear your story. If you'd like to hear your story out in a podcast that I don't know, maybe five people will listen. Maybe 5 million people will listen. One day. The idea is that you get up and you tell your story, you be witnessed and you be heard. That is a huge step in healing. So if you're feeling like it's your fault, or you're blaming yourself, you are invited. Once again, you can share your story with me and I will put your story out there for you, because it deserves to be heard. It deserves the dignity that goes with your story. It goes with the dignity that you can reclaim. It goes with the honor. It takes to tap into yourself. When most people are running away from therapy. No, no, we're not going to , we're going to avoid, we're going to shop. We're going to go. We're going to be successful. We're going to go on Tik TOK and make a video of our body. We're going to whatever, but we're not going to talk about what we're really hurting about. I invite you to share now my next podcast, which I am going to start to get into the emotions a little bit, and this podcast still goes into why we blame herself, but I'm going to get all up in and around about the happiness. Be happy. I have got some fabulous quotes from you, things to share with you that if you're just a casual reader and you're scrolling on the old Facebook, looking for something to lift you up and you read something that tells you the reason why you're not happy is your fault. That just adds another layer of weight for you. It's like another cement block in your backpack, which is tearing and falling apart, blaming you for not being happy. So I hope you join me on my next podcast, where I talk about happiness, really, and why you still might be blaming yourself like I've done for most of my life. Everybody peace out. This is Amber B Schuyler . I really want to thank you for giving me a little bit of your time. I hope that some of the things I say , uh, get you to move round in your mind and in your emotions, and to tap into them, reach out for support groups, support therapy. There are self-help books out there. There's all, all kinds of things you can do to step into the healing zone. So thank you for listening once again. And I look forward to , uh , bring it up. My next podcast on happiness, like really peace out. This podcast is produced and distributed in partnership with Dan Bennett . And one minute media located in Flint, Michigan, more marketing solutions and Chantilly, Virginia, and Amber B Schuyler productions located in Helena, Montana. Thank you so much for listening to the show. I like to shout out to you to share your stories with me, Amber B skylar.com . Please let me know if you'd like to be anonymous or perhaps use your first name. I'm also interested in your comments and feedback. Thank you so much for listening. And I do hope that you join me for my next episode.